Suicide Prevention: Life in My Brown Robe

Blog by Shelly Beach

© 2017

Sunday, September 10^th marked World Suicide Prevention Day

While I never attempted suicide, I have struggled with depression and several periods of life when I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I’ve never written or spoken much about these battles, but perhaps my story can help someone gain perspective on their own depression.

I experienced a childhood sexual assault when I was around ten years old. I never told anyone what happened because of overwhelming fear and shame. I was in trauma therapy for weeks before I even remembered the experience. My most profound experience of abuse occurred when I was 19 and assaulted by a serial rapist. I experienced a number of symptoms of PTSD but did not receive counseling or treatment.

I was married within a year of my assault. Sex was awkward and triggering. Within six months of our wedding, I was pregnant. For the two years following the birth of our first child, I slowly became frozen. The slow onset of depression can be difficult to name when everything in life seems to be “fine”: a wonderful husband, a new baby, supportive family.

But my husband Dan and I call the years after our first child was born the years of “the brown robe.” I seldom dressed, unless it was necessary for me to leave the house. When I was home, I sat in a chair and stared at the television or wandered the house in a fog.

I didn’t have the words to identify depression. I didn’t know that the birth of a child could trigger depression after sexual abuse. I simply fell into deep guilt-driven depression over my lack of ability to be a “good” wife and mother.

Right about this time, Dan and I moved to a small farming community. He worked as a school administrator. I taught English. Community life was wonderful. Our friends were wonderful. We lived in a large country farmhouse with charm and character (and a few bats).

But I was deeply, deeply depressed. I was suffering from horrible migraines and had been put on new medications that I later learned could contribute to depression. But for hours at a time I fixated on how better off my family would be if I would be gone, that I was a failure as a mother and wife. I knew I was too cowardly to actually follow through, but I devised various plans for taking my life.

All this time, I never considered telling someone, asking for help, talking to my doctor. I simply saw myself as a failure. I didn’t understand that my depression was result of multiple untreated traumas, and what I was experiencing as common to many women.

I eventually went off my beta blocker medication, and my suicidal thoughts and depression faded. I began to study trauma and PTSD and understand what had happened. The shame and guilt lifted, and I found appropriate treatment.

Does this mean I never ever struggle with depression? No. My multiple sclerosis is also a contributor to depression, so I need to be pro-active.

So what can you do? I can tell you what helps me.

I monitor my self-talk. When it slips into negative thinking, I correct it with the truth–about who I really am.

I get out of the house. No matter how I may feel, I make time to see Christian friends who hold me accountable and speak life into me.

I listen to uplifting music. For me that’s a lot of Christian music, but it’s also beautiful music, fun music, and contemplative music.

I know my trauma triggers and manage my responses. For instance, I know that I can only manage a certain amount of grief regarding abuse. People naturally share their stories with me, but

I take anti-depressants when needed. This has actually been quite helpful since receiving my MS diagnosis. I don’t tolerate sunlight well and am susceptible to depression. A low dose of anti-depressant has contributed to my overall health.

I exercise. Moving elevates my mood and breaks the patterns of my circular thinking. And exercise always makes me feel productive and generates impetus for me to do the next proactive thing for the day.

Most importantly, I pray. I am a conqueror through the power of Jesus Christ, and I access the power of the Spirit through prayer and time in the Word of God.

What about you? Have you struggled with suicide and depression? What has given you hope?

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Online chat also available at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

Dealing with Depression

Photo Credit: Wanda Sanchez

 

One of the common side effects of multiple sclerosis is depression. Not long after my most recent relapse, I recognized symptoms of depression and discussed appropriate treatment with my family and my doctor. Read more about MS and depression HERE.

On average, 1 in 6 people – 1 in 5 women and 1 in 8 men – will experience depression at some stage of their lives.

There are different types of depression, and they can be linked to different causes. Symptoms can range from minor (but still disabling) through to very severe. Symptoms of depression include sadness, feelings of loss, disillusionment, loss of appetite, and difficulty sleeping,

My first experience with depression was following the birth of my first child. I called these the “years of the brown robe” because I pretty much never got dressed unless I was going to church because “good” Christians can’t be depressed or shopping for groceries–a necessity of life. This depression was profoundly deep and lasted several years.

Looking back, I believe that during these years I experienced depression related to the trauma of a sexual assault when I was nineteen years old. I felt enormous guilt for not being a “good mother” to my children or a “good wife” to my husband. Unlike the church I attend now, the church I went to during this time in my life didn’t talk about how the Bible related to practical issues like mental and physical health. I believed I was supposed to be in-right-out-right-up-right-down-right happy all the time.” To learn more, read the article “How Trauma Can Lead to Depression.” 

My second period of depression occurred approximately five years later. It seemed to be linked to a medication I was taking for migraines. Once I stopped taking the medication, the depression disappeared.

The depression I’ve experienced with my MS has seemed persistent yet more manageable that my two previously episodes of depression. I’ve found several key factors to be helpful in beating the blues:

1. Talk to your doctor about whether or not medication may be right for you. Chemicals and hormones in your body may be burnt out and need a re-boot to recover. Anti-depressants are a tool to help you make better choices–they do not make choices for you. There is no shame in taking medicine that addresses biological illnesses. Your brain functions chemically and sometime may need medicine in the same way your pancreas and heart need medicine.
2. Try to get out into nature at least a little every day. I have trouble walking, but I walk to the mailbox. I pull a few weeds. I’m not supposed to be in the sun or in heat, so I spend my time outside in the morning. Read a book in the park. Take your lunch break outside. Drive to the beach, a lake or river. The beauty of flowers, the scent of the grass, the sound of birds lifts our spirits. God wired us this way.
3. Do something to lift someone else’s spirits. Send a card. Pay for someone’s lunch. Send an anonymous gift. Write a letter of appreciation. Tell someone how beautiful they are. Thank a police officer, fireman, teacher, pastor, nurse, doctor, social worker, or other people helper.
4. Remind yourself who God says you are. Beautiful. Chosen. Flawless. Forgiven. Beloved. His child. Depression often produces negative self-talk. Be committed to mindfulness in the battle against stinkin’ thinking–about yourself, others, your circumstances, your future, even about who God is and His role in your life.

What about you? Have you or someone you love struggled with depression? How have you dealt with it? Who or what has helped you most?

Faith, Depression, and the Truth about Mental Health

Photo Credit: Fandango.com

One of the hardest things Dan and I ever have done was admit Dan’s dad to a mental health unit. 

You see, we were raised in churches where clinical depression wasn’t talked about. And if someone was brave enough admit they struggled with depression, they were told to trust God, read the Bible, and apply their faith.

Admitting you had any kind of mental illness meant spiritual failure.

But the biology and chemistry that apply to medical science don’t stop at our neck. 

I prefer to talk about mental illness as brain illness because I think the term better describes the true issue. My brain is an organ that is susceptible to illness–in the same way my pancreas or liver or heart or appendix are susceptible to illness.

Illness is rooted in biologicial and chemical processes that take place in our bodies.

Brain illness has been stimatized because it has been misunderstood and feared. As Christians, we known that God loves us in our deepest need and certainly in our health challenges.

He graciously created laws and principles that can be applied to the production of pharmaceutical cures that help us in limited, imperfect ways while we’re living on earth. I take medication for my diabetes. While my mother lived with me, she took medications that would give her the greatest quality of life during her battle with Alzheimer’s–a horrific mental illness.

If you or someone you know struggles with depression or other forms of mental illness, please don’t listen to to messages that shame, stigmatize, or throw false guilt in your direction. 

1. In the words of Cinderella, “Have courage and be kind.” Forgive those who don’t understand your struggles. They are very likely ignorant in the true sense of the word, meaning they don’t have a clue what life is like for you. Unfortunately, the church has done a poor job of reaching out to those with mental health struggles. But the good news is that steps are being taken to change that.

2. Advocate for your mental health and find your tribe. It’s common to think you’re the only one struggling with depression, bipolar disorder, or some other aspect of brain illness. But the truth is that many Christians are fighting the same illnesses. Seek out advocates who understand your struggles, effective medical therapies,  and will fight for you.

3. Consider the role of your church and support team. Does your church support those with brain illnesses? Does it provide support groups? Does it help you find mental health services within your community? Do friends and family provide assistive roles and advocate for you?

God is ALWAYS our ultimate healer and provider.

But we must first admit that we have an illness that merits medical attention before we can seek effective treatment. Admitting that brain illness is a physical reality is often the starting point in the church.

For more information about mental health and Christian therapy information visit ChurchTherapy.com.

Someone You Know Has PTSD–and Might Not Know It

“I just finished treatment for complex PTSD. Nobody understands trauma, so I rarely talk about it.”

The woman sitting next to me on our flight from Denver to Seattle was an accountant. Confident. Self-assured. Professional. And a recovering addict who’d struggled for years with symptoms PTSD stemming from early childhood medical procedures.

It had taken her years to recognize that childhood medical procedures were at the root of the long list of symptoms that had taken her life hostage.

 

Sadly, most people don’t understand the cause-and-effect between trauma and the symptoms of PTSD and seek treatment for the underlying cause.

The reality is that life is a series of traumas that the brain processes as either “Big T” or “little t” events, depending on a number of factors. Any event that is so threatening that it (1) overwhelms our brain, (2) triggers a reactive chemical wash that shuts down one side of the brain and causes us to “freeze” initiates the Instinctual Trauma Response (Big T trauma with potential resulting symptoms).

In the past few years, my colleague Wanda and I have met dozens of men and women suffering from PTSD who never realized before meeting us that trauma was the source of their various symptoms: hoarding, self-abuse, addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hearing voices (one of the easiest symptoms to treat), eating disorders, depression, suicidal fixation, and other symptoms.

Many people who have PTSD don’t know that their symptoms aren’t the problem; trauma is the problem, and trauma can be successfully treated.

This week our book Love Letters from the Edge: Meditations for Those Struggling with Brokenness, Trauma, and the Pain of Life was released in bookstores and online. This book addresses the desperation and despair felt by those who suffer from PTSD. It gives a voice to those who often feel unfixable, hopeless, and isolated.

But more importantly, it offers hope. As women who have experienced PTSD, Wanda and I understand the desperation and the struggles. This is why it was critically important for us to write a book that honestly expressed the feelings of those dealing with PTSD, but also offered compassion, hope, and truth. This book also offers practical resources for family members and friends, as well as support communities, such as churches.

Someone you know has PTSD and may not even know it.

Learn what it feels like to walk in their shoes. Learn what you can do to help. And if you’re struggling, take the first step toward healing by telling a trusted friend or medical or mental health professional.

Crisis Hotlines

 

Trauma Therapy: Five Days to a New Me–For Real

Most people tend of think of people with post-traumatic stress disorder as veterans or Katrina victims. The general population doesn’t know that one in four women will develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in her lifetime.

When you’re sitting in a restaurant, ball game, church service, or business meeting, if every eighth person stood up, that’s the number of people who are suffering from PTSD.

One out of eight. Of your friends. Your family members.

I was one of them. And I was in hiding until I went to Intensive Trauma Therapy in Morgantown, West Virginia.

What was life like for me?

Certain experiences, memories, sights, smells, and thoughts triggered intense feelings of abandonment and anxiety.

I lived with guilt because I couldn’t control my fears. I tried counseling, but it didn’t work. I consulted with spiritual advisers and spent time in prayer and meditation, but my symptoms persisted. So I threw myself into my work and pressed into caring for my loved ones, but my symptoms just wouldn’t go away. In fact, they continued to intensify.

But I was stuck in denial. Certainly I didn’t need trauma treatment. I could figure things out. Besides, I couldn’t afford it.

Yeah, right.

After nearly crashing and burning, I was forced to admit that I couldn’t afford NOT to go. My symptoms weren’t going to get better unless I addressed the roots of my problem. And so this past winter, I packed my bags and headed to Intensive Trauma Therapy–uncertain and afraid.

I was sure the therapists couldn’t help me in just five days. I mean, come on now. Five days? It’s taken me longer than five days to beat a case of dandruff.

But I was wrong. So very wrong. And never so glad to be wrong.

The therapy modality used at ITT is simple and effective. And I find it to be consistent with my Christian worldview. Certain parts of me and my brain are “stuck” and can’t get past the lies I believe. This is a biological fact caused by traumatic experiences in my life. The therapeutic approaches used at ITT “rewire” those traumatic experiences  and re-file them in my brain. I also learned how my true, healthy self can speak to the broken places in me and enable the healing process.

My healing began on day one of treatment. I returned to my hotel room that evening freed from anxiety that had gripped me for years.

Does that mean I’m living an anxiety-free life? No. But it means I’m living with a manageable range of anxiety. I now understand where that anxiety originates, how to cope with it, and how it interacts in my life.

So what actually happened in those five days of therapy? I learned writing and other graphic and narrative skills that move my trauma experiences from one side of my brain to the other. I learned how to talk to the “stuck” parts of me and gain clarity and new insight about the fears and anxieties that trapped me so I can move forward. I learned skills that allowed me to come home on day six with new behaviors that have become a part of daily living and healing that has changed my life.

If you’re experiencing the symptoms of trauma, find a professional who understands.

There is HOPE.

For more information on trauma and PTSD, visit PTSDPerspectives.org. And looking for my upcoming book, written with co-author Wanda Sanchez, releasing this June: Love Letters from the Edge: Meditations for Those Struggling with Brokenness, Trauma, and the Pain of Life.

Mental Illness: Helping the Church Help the Hurting

In the last decades of my father-in-law’s life, he slipped into a fog of mental illness from which he never returned. We did our best to help him–to find a diagnosis and effective medications. The years he lived with us were a constant battle of second-guessing, as we debated whether or not we were doing the right thing, doing enough, seeking out the “right” mental health professionals for his condition.

In my most recent book It Is Well with My Soul: Meditations for Those Living with Illness, Pain, and the Challenges of Aging, I devote a number of selections to the topic of mental illness. Dan and I both grew up in homes where mental illness was discussed in our homes and our churches as often as we heard about the mating habits of squid

This was probably a reflection, in part, of the generation we grew up in (a really old one). But it was also a reflection of the unspoken assumption in our era that “good” Christians don’t struggle with mental illness. Maybe Episcopalians, but certainly not ______ (fill in your non-Episcopalian denomination here).

So Dan and I were somewhat at a loss at what to do for his father–a precious, godly man and retired missionary who, in his seventies, slipped into a haze of mental illness so thick that we eventually turned to doctors at Mayo Clinic to help us find a diagnosis.

Neither of us had ever heard a sermon on mental health, had never heard another Christian speak of having a relative with mental illness, and had no idea where to turn in the church for help. As far as we knew, we were the only Christians in our church, our city, or our circle of friends who’d ever hit our heads against a wall trying to get a diagnosis.  or find effective medications and treatment. And we didn’t have a clue who we could honestly talk to about the fruit-basket-upset of trying to live gracefully as three generations under one roof when Grandpa was so ill.

We discovered that the church then, as now, unfortunately, had few resources to draw from–as models or in printed resources.

Recently Christians have been jarred into a new awareness of the issue of mental illness with the tragic death of Rick and Kay Warren’s son Matthew. Our hearts are torn as we grieve with and for them.

What can the church do to help?

1. Provide an environment of safety and compassion for those with mental illness. I’m proud to say that my church “mainstreams” those with mental illness. Children with Down’s are part of on-stage programming. Children’s workers are provided training in how to interact with special-needs children. Staff is trained in counseling and understands the needs of the mentally ill. The church communicates an attitude of acceptance and love that begins with the leadership.

2.  Talk about the issues. Provide forums for discussion and communication that are part of sermons presentations for the entire church community. Present mental health seminars as part of church and community education. Offer support groups for families and individuals or provide resources that link your congregation to available resources.

3. Respect the role of mental health. Many people with mental health diagnoses feel they must hide, and their family members often feel a lack of support. Respect the role of mental health by referencing its vital role and legitimizing the rightful use of mental health drugs that treat physiological illness.

We are called to be Jesus’ hands extended to the hurting. May our prayer be to see them, to know them, and to know how to love them.

Photo: http://www.jarrodjones.com

New Trauma Blog Launched

This week several friends and I launched a new blog on the topic of trauma at http://ptsdtraumahopehealing.com/. Over the past two years, I’ve become increasingly interested in the topic of trauma, and I’ve been privileged to get to know some of the best trauma therapists in the world and see the results of their work in the lives of my closest friends.

And every day as I watch the news. read Facebook posts, talk to growing numbers of hurting friends and relatives, and listen to the sounds of emergency vehicles racing past my window, my sense of urgency grows.

An epidemic of untreated trauma has gripped our nation. We busy ourselves treating its symptoms–addictions, eating disorders, self-abusive behaviors, compulsions, etc. and entertain ourselves watching people on television struggle through the symptoms in endless cycles: Hoarders, Intervention, Biggest Loser, Celebrity Rehab, and numerous other shows.

But we seldom treat the root cause: trauma.

I invite you to join me and my friends (the Trauma Queens) and share your trauma story. Many of us have found hope and healing through effective treatments.

Some of us have walked through lifetimes of frustration seeking help for the wrong thing first in treatment centers and counseling that address peripheral issues. And many of us have been shamed for not “getting over” our trauma sooner and seeking treatment.

We’ve developed relationships with some of the nation’s top trauma experts. We’re making connections with organizations involved in human trafficking. Next week my associate and I will be speaking at a nationally-recognized agency that is launching an initiative for children who have been trafficked.

We invite you to become part of the community of hope on Facebook as well at PTSD Trauma Hope and Healing (https://www.facebook.com/PtsdTraumaHopeAndHealing).

If you know someone who’s experienced a crisis where their life was threatened or someone they loved was threatened and they struggle with symptoms of PTSD, please tell them there IS hope.

If you know someone whose baby underwent invasive medical procedures as an infant before 1986 and now struggles with symptoms of PTSD, please tell them about our blog. The medical community did not believe that babies experienced pain before the mid- to late 1980s and often did surgery on infants without painkillers or anesthesia. Many of those children today suffer with symptoms of PTSD and are unaware of its relationships to their childhood trauma and, more importantly, that effective treatment is available.

Few things are as exciting as seeing someone without hope find it again. Those who struggle in cycles of addiction, self-abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, and other behaviors often live without hope.

The truth can set you free.